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How to Fail

February 8, 2017

 

Step 1: Set a clear goal. Start off with only *the very best* intentions. 

 

Step 2: Go ahead and blanket those intentions in self-doubt; it’s only natural! Allow it to compress them under the weight of all the reasons why you can’t accomplish your goal. Deny its existence.

 

Step 3: Get started, beginning with largely-inflated motivation. Write down a to-do list and take action!

 

Step 4: Mistake movement for progress. Pat yourself on the back for achieving very minute, if not altogether useless, steps to achieving your goal. For example, you could start by re-organizing a junk drawer or buying a new scribbler. 

 

Step 5: Grossly underestimate how long it will take you to accomplish tasks. Muddle the big picture of your goal by focussing on the little details. Dig very deep to include even those deemed unnecessary. Somewhere in those details, they say the devil lies...

 

Step 6: Continue to mull through the details until you have completely lost sight of the big picture. Get confused. At this point you may start to question your best intentions. Roll with that.

 

Step 7: Lament over why you wanted to achieve the goal in the first place! Who did you think you were?! Some grandiose goal-achiever? Tell yourself to get real.

 

Step 8: Pull the plug on motivation and watch it frantically spiral away like a deflated balloon.

 

Step 9: Ignore your better judgement and do something completely unrelated to your goal. Waste as much time as possible on other things that take you away from it. Things that make you feel bad about yourself are ideal, like drinking or scanning the highlight reels of friends’ accomplished lives on social media feeds.

 

Step 10: Go to bed angry with yourself for not making progress, pondering the meaning of life.

 

Step 11: Wake up feeling a tinge of shame. Make some coffee and when alert enough, cast a gaze at that looming to-do list.

 

 

These are steps one may take in the process of eventually succeeding.

 

To fail, simply quit after any of them.

 

 

 

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